THE STRUGGLES OF A CONFUSED MIND


I have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (CFS) or Chronic Fatigue and Immune Dysfunction Sydrome (CFIDS) as it is probably more accurate to call it. Lately I have been suffering a lot from confusion, dis-orientation and memory loss issues. It comes and goes on a daily basis (often several times through the day). The level of frustration I have with myself at times is immense, as I struggle to get through things that most humans can probably do quite easily.

Anyhow, this has become a real struggle for me each day ~ not so much the illness itself, as the way I’m able to live as a result of it. I am not one to blame my illness for my behaviour – I detest that sort of thing, especially in myself. However, there are times when I’m really not myself and my increasing frustration begins to show in my interaction with others. Apparently some people have been complaining about what is perceived as rudeness in my interaction with some people. I really think this ‘rudeness,’ is probably me just trying to cope with whatever situation I find myself with and my struggles with a confused mind. There is certainly no intent to be rude, of that much I am sure. However, if people perceive it to be, then something is certainly there and somehow I need to be able to cope with that better.

This is a real situation that is adversely affecting my ability to work obviously. If you read this, then please, pray for me. I am concerned to live always in a manner that is right before the Lord and to give the world no reason to be able to cast poor comments on my profession, and of course, consequently, the one I profess to follow.

As I try to look at these past few weeks as objectively as I can, I do not believe that I am being rude in the situations in which I am being told I am ~ though that in itself is a problem because I have been given very little in the way of examples to go on. So that only increases my level of frustration. There is also the fact that everything I do is interpreted in some way as a result of my being ill and everything is being second-guessed. So there is more frustration as I try to handle that.

The only thing I can do is seek out those people who feel I have behaved rudely to them and explain the situation. Perhaps that will help, perhaps it will not. I think I need to be very careful as to just how much I reveal so that I am not the subject of a lot of needless gossip, etc (which is rife in the workplace).

Anyhow, that is my current thoughts on the matter.

STRUGGLING


There are times in life (at least for me) when it all seems a little too much. It’s like, ‘Why am I even bothering with it anymore?’ Now most certainly there are plenty of people out there who have it far worse than I do and I’m not trying to cast the sympathy seeking line ~ I’m simply putting down what I feel like today.

It has been almost two years since I posted anything in this ‘blog,’ and I cannot say for sure how long it will be until I do so again. What I can say is that a lot has happened in those two years. Of most importance is that I have lost my best friend and that for no reason that I can figure out. Believe me, I have searched my mind looking for answers, as well as seeking them at the source ~ but alas, to no avail. I’m now beginning to think I have lost yet another friend, the person who I currently regard as my best friend. Again, I do not know why. These two people were/are friends on the earthly plane so to speak. Of course my best friend will never leave me, but there is still a sense in which the loss of friends in this sphere is hard to take.

I find myself struggling with illness again and not really knowing just what is going on with me. I know there is a lot of mental stuff happening, which is a hangover from the last time I was ill ~ now however, I have my next cycle of illness with it and I’m not over the last yet. CFS/CFIDS is not an easy thing to cope with let me tell you.

I have tried to deal with the illness early this time round, but that has now left me in the ‘doghouse’ at work from all appearances. So it seems I can’t win here ~ if I leave it too late and get sicker for longer because I keep working, or I take time off early to head it off from getting worse for longer. This is the dilemma I daily face at the minute.

It’s times like this, when you are spoken to in a way which in my view is extremely poor, that you have to assess just how you speak to others to ensure your speech is not having a poor effect on others. This I will try and do, though I know I don’t always succeed, especially when I’m struggling with confusion, memory problems, etc… but I must keep myself from treating other people poorly, even while I’m ill (I don’t see it as an excuse for poor behaviour).