There are times in life when one just simply has to move on. What you have become comfortable with simply remains no more. What you want is simply not available. No matter how much you protest, the reality is forced upon you and you must find a way to move on.
I know what it is like to have to abandon a dream or to admit that something you wish for just isn’t going to happen – and you have to move on. It is a painful readjustment of your life that you don’t really want to make. You would rather be able to go back somehow and turn things around, do something different, say something incredibly important and all would be back to the way it was or should be. Moving on is simply not an option on your agenda – yet it forces itself upon you.
Circumstances often govern that which you do in life. Your plan for your life, your dream perhaps and most certainly your current thoughts and routine are changed by what life throws at you. Moving on becomes a choice that you no longer are able to freely choose, for your circumstances make it inevitable and you simply have to move on.
But what an overwhelming sense there is to simply cry out, ‘I don’t want to move on, I want things to be as they are or as they were.’ But alas, there is no compromise with the new reality, you simply have to move on.
I love that scene in Braveheart where Wallace’s wife returns to him in a dream and she tells him he has to wake up. Wallace says something like, ‘I want to stay here, with you.’ That thought resonates with me from time to time and I find it so hard to move on from certain situations that I don’t want to see change, certainly not in a direction I don’t want them to.
As I was saying yesterday, I have lost my friend – she was my closest friend ever and I cared for her more than I have cared for anyone ever. I miss her terribly, but it is a reality I can do nothing about. I am left with my memories and these are exceedingly precious to me, as indeed she is. It is a reality that I had no choice in. I believe in real friendships that have real meaning and this reality has no meaning to me. It has come without explanation and I am now forced to move on, though it is not the direction I ever wanted to go in.
People will say that I cared too much and that I believed in her too much – but no, that was never true. I didn’t care enough and I didn’t believe enough, though I did with all that I was and am. My choice of friendship demanded my all and I freely gave it with depth of heart. I believed in her, she was my friend.
I fear I failed her in some way and that perhaps I hurt her without even knowing I did. I have never tried to do so and indeed I tried ever so hard not to. Yet sometimes it is possible without even knowing it. I would never intentionally hurt her and I would lay down my life for her if it was required to help her. I adored her and she meant the world to me, but all that seems over now and for no reason that I can see.
It is time to move on, though I don’t think I want to. It is a reality I have no choice in, it was a decision made for me my another – so move on I must. This I will do, but I don’t think I can forget her and I know I will always be here for her, whenever she needs me or wants me. She is my friend, I can do no other – my heart and my soul will not sever the bonds that bind me to her, and I am happy with that. Yet, I still must move on.