No Remorse


Isn’t it disappointing when people wrong you, hurt you, etc – and then when they see you for the first time in a long time they behave as though nothing ever happened? I find it to be very disappointing, especially when it is someone for whom you have done a lot, stood by, etc.

This happened to me just recently ~ the person concerned carried on in a manner as though she was still my best friend, that she had done nothing toward me that could be regarded as appalling behaviour and that somehow there was nothing ill between us as a result. It saddened me and disappointed me greatly.

My strongest desire was to simply show her that I still cared about her and to embrace her, however, I knew this would not be the best course of action as it would allow her to get away with continued poor behaviour without even the slightest display of remorse ~ and I certainly have no intention of being used as a friend of convenience or worse still, to be used as a doormat.

To be sure, I do not despise this person and she knows that I do not. I have made it abundantly clear that should she need me for anything I am here for her. However, there is no way that her continued poor behaviour toward me is to be deemed acceptable in any manner whatsoever and an explanation and an apology are in order ~ and they to be marked with sincerity and truth. Without these things, I cannot help but think that I have overestimated the worth of this person, though I am sure that within her is the potential of someone who is to be valued beyond any words that I can possibly hope to give voice to. At the moment I am left disappointed and dis-illusioned by this one in whom I believed and in whom I had placed so many high hopes.

The way to reconciliation remains open, but it must come via the true path of reconciliation as I have already mentioned in this posting. I am certainly ready to receive her with the trappings of the most sincere, open and warm-hearted friendship that I have

STRUGGLING


There are times in life (at least for me) when it all seems a little too much. It’s like, ‘Why am I even bothering with it anymore?’ Now most certainly there are plenty of people out there who have it far worse than I do and I’m not trying to cast the sympathy seeking line ~ I’m simply putting down what I feel like today.

It has been almost two years since I posted anything in this ‘blog,’ and I cannot say for sure how long it will be until I do so again. What I can say is that a lot has happened in those two years. Of most importance is that I have lost my best friend and that for no reason that I can figure out. Believe me, I have searched my mind looking for answers, as well as seeking them at the source ~ but alas, to no avail. I’m now beginning to think I have lost yet another friend, the person who I currently regard as my best friend. Again, I do not know why. These two people were/are friends on the earthly plane so to speak. Of course my best friend will never leave me, but there is still a sense in which the loss of friends in this sphere is hard to take.

I find myself struggling with illness again and not really knowing just what is going on with me. I know there is a lot of mental stuff happening, which is a hangover from the last time I was ill ~ now however, I have my next cycle of illness with it and I’m not over the last yet. CFS/CFIDS is not an easy thing to cope with let me tell you.

I have tried to deal with the illness early this time round, but that has now left me in the ‘doghouse’ at work from all appearances. So it seems I can’t win here ~ if I leave it too late and get sicker for longer because I keep working, or I take time off early to head it off from getting worse for longer. This is the dilemma I daily face at the minute.

It’s times like this, when you are spoken to in a way which in my view is extremely poor, that you have to assess just how you speak to others to ensure your speech is not having a poor effect on others. This I will try and do, though I know I don’t always succeed, especially when I’m struggling with confusion, memory problems, etc… but I must keep myself from treating other people poorly, even while I’m ill (I don’t see it as an excuse for poor behaviour).