I have now decided to start using the diary as I had before planned to do. This time I’m hoping to actually keep at it (time will tell I guess). I have now added a link to the diary from my page on the website (http://particularbaptist.com/kevins/kevin.html), which may provoke me to actually keep at it.
Here is my opportunity to share something of my spiritual journey with the world – not that I’m a great or outstanding saint in the overall scheme of things (more like one at the bottom of the pile, but that’s OK, for at least I’m in the pile). Perhaps the Lord will be pleased to use the diary as a help to someone in some way, even if it be an obscure way that I never hear about.
For the last few weeks I have been having something of an ‘Elijah’ experience. That is, the feeling of being alone in my spiritual walk and as though the church has abandoned the Lord’s way as outlined in the Scriptures. It’s a rather poor outlook I’ll admit, but essentially that’s what my problem in one sense is all about. The church in this country is in an appalling state (much like my spelling appears to be at times), having long ago abandoned the peculiar truths of our reformation heritage, not to mention our Scriptural heritage.
In my area of this country which I dearly love, I have been involved in just about all the Reformed Baptist churches so-called during the last 15 or so years. At the end of this time I find myself seemingly alone in my search for the true church. There has been all sorts of departures in my understanding of things, from a legalistic hard spirit, right through to a church beginning to embrace a more popular, user friendly approach to things. I have even pastored a church (which seems to have failed) in an attempt to raise a new standard here by way of a Biblically Reforming church – yet many have no interest in such things. Now I find myself at my wits end, waiting on the Lord to bring about some change in the spiritual landscape of this area and indeed this country – how we need a Spurgeon, a Calvin or the like here now!
I have allowed myself to despair and this has been a sin. I should have been trusting the Lord, looking unto Him rather than the chaos in the churches around about. Add to this the usual sins that afflict me and you find a Christian falling woefully short of what he should be, especially in view of the great grace and love which the Father has bestowed upon me in the Person of His Son and in the work that He has performed. May God be gracious to me – a sinner worthy of no grace or blessing from such a holy and majestic God. Yes my Redeemer lives – may he yet raise me up from my despair, for I fear and know I am incapable of delivering myself from the mire.
My only hope is my God, in whom is all grace, mercy and love